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THE LOTTERY QUEEN #8

  A “FRASIER CRANE” MOMENT

I guess it has to be the classic formula for a television sitcom episode — where one of the characters gets the wrong idea about something, overhears some gossip, but completely misunderstands it.  And then all the way through the half-hour, they’re operating under the impression that such-and-such is about to happen, when really, all along, Aunt Bertha’s not having a baby, she’s just getting a new car for Christmas.  So of course, all the one-liners play off the fact that people are talking about two different things: changing oil instead of diapers, for instance.  It’s the sort of dilemma people like the fictional Frasier Crane are always finding themselves in, not figuring out the truth until it’s embarrassingly too late.

Well, I’m frankly surprised that the WB network and NBC haven’t ever optioned chapter six in the book of Esther.  Because what we have here is probably the classic “oops” misunderstanding of all time.

You’ll recall that Prime Minister Haman is 99% happy, and one percent mad enough to eat boiled owl because Mordecai won’t give him the courtesy of a parliamentary nod.  That’s the only sour element in an otherwise perfect life.  But it has him so befuddled and be-bothered, that he’s: one, sentenced the entire Hebrew race to be exterminated, and two, started building a gallows to hang Mordecai on just as soon as the sun comes up.  In fact, the workmen are out there hammering on the yardarm even as we speak.

Well, as we pick up the story and tune up the laugh track for the sitcom of the ages, King Xerxes has a restless night.  Here’s chapter six, verse one and following:

“That night the king could not sleep; so he ordered the book of the chronicles, the record of his reign, to be brought in and read to him.”  He’s a little old for “Mommy, read me a story,” but that’s what it boiled down to. 

He had to be a bit sleepless, perhaps, wondering what in the world it was Esther was going to ask him for at their next banquet together.  Or he might have actually been able to hear the hammering and sawing from the midnight workers over at Haman’s estate as they put up those gallows.  We continue:

“It was found recorded there [in the palace chronicles] that Mordecai had exposed Bigthana and Teresh, two of the king’s officers who guarded the doorway, who had conspired to assassinate King Xerxes. ‘What honor and recognition has Mordecai received for this?’ the king asked.  ‘Nothing has been done for him,’ his attendants said.”

Now, this is most unusual, as Bible expositors point out.  We’ve mentioned Dr. David J. Clines’ excellent book, The New Century Bible Commentary for Ezra, Nehemiah, and Esther.  He makes this point, which you don’t find in the Bible itself:

“It is a remarkable coincidence that Mordecai’s service should not have already been rewarded, for Persian kings were famed for their eagerness to reward well-wishers.”

Apparently it was part of that culture to pass out the presents very promptly for any kind of good deed, but in this particular instance, Haldeman and Ehrlichman — or whoever the king used as deputies — had messed up.

Now here comes the classic moment.  Because between the bedtime stories for His Majesty and the milk and cookies and the trips to the bathroom and exchanging one teddy bear for another one, it’s almost daybreak by now.  King Xerxes has been up all night listening to these chronicles and the day shift is about to report for work.  Here’s verse four:

“The king said, ‘Who is in the court?’  Now Haman had just entered the outer court of the palace to speak to the king about hanging Mordecai on the gallows he had erected for him.  His attendants answered, ‘Haman is in the court.’  ‘Bring him in,’ the king ordered.”

Apparently Haman was so eager to get on with the hanging that he showed up at the palace even before the king had had his morning coffee. I mean, he was there waiting for the 6:00 a.m. time slot. It was still so dark the king, still in his pajamas, asked: “Who is that out there?”  Even Haman was subject to the law about the king having to invite him in, but this was awfully early in the morning.  Commentaries note that it was rather common in an eastern court for early-morning business to be done, and Haman was first in line.

Keep in mind — he’s there with a certain agenda in mind.  But King Xerxes, all of a sudden, has an agenda too.  Verse six:

“When Haman entered, the king asked him, ‘What should be done for the man the king delights to honor?’  Now Haman thought to himself, ‘Who is there that the king would rather honor than me?’”

I’m reminded of an old story where a kid in a restaurant walked up to a table where the late Howard Cosell was having dinner.  He was kind of shy, and so Cosell, without even being asked, took a restaurant menu and autographed it for the kid, assuming that’s what the boy wanted.  And the kid shook his head impatiently: “I don’t want your autograph.  I just wanted to borrow the ketchup.”

And we have a similar thing building up here.  Haman makes an Olympic leap to a prideful conclusion, and thinks to himself: “It’s gotta be me he’s thinking of.”  So he waxes up into quite a frenzy of ticker-tape.  Notice; here are verses seven through nine:

“So he [Haman] answered the king, ‘For the man the king delights to honor, have them bring a royal robe the king has worn and a horse the king has ridden, one with a royal crest placed on its head.  Then let the robe and horse be entrusted to one of the king’s most noble princes.  Let them robe the man the king delights to honor, and lead him on the horse through the city streets, proclaiming before him, ‘This is what is done for the man the king delights to honor!’”

All of this, we read, is very much according to the form of Persian politics: wearing the king’s robe, having a crown with the royal crest even on the horse’s head, etc.  And Haman, assuming he’s going to be the recipient of all this, is almost shaking with excitement.  All this and a banquet and a hanging too; he’s about to score a Shushan hat trick here.  But now here’s the sitcom moment of all time.  Verse 10:

“‘Go at once,’ the king commanded Haman.  ‘Get the robe and the horse and do just as you have suggested for Mordecai the Jew, who sits at the king’s gate.  Do not neglect anything you have recommended.’”

Well, I think I’d have given a year’s pay just to see that moment.  Haman can hardly find his tongue, and when he does:  “Say WHAT?  Me?  Do this for WHO?”  He, Haman, the prime minister, is supposed to give this royal ride to Mordecai the Jew?  It hardly seems like the right moment to bring up the gallows, and the permission slip to hang Mordecai, which is why he came with his flashlight to the palace in the first place.  But the Bible tells us that Haman sucked in his gut, swallowed his pride, and actually went out and obeyed the king.  Not that he had any choice.  But he dressed up Mordecai and ran through the streets of Susa, shouting out in a voice clotted with rage: “This is the man the king delights to honor!”  Over and over and over again until they’d paraded down every street, every alley, every cul-de-sac. 

Of course, so many people in the city had to already know about the rivalry that had been going on.  Gossip worked back then just like it does now.  So the irony of this little parade wasn’t missed by very many.  I remember old Uncle Arthur, who penned the wonderful children’s series, The Bible Story, commenting how all of Susa had to be rocking with laughter.

Well, friend, we always look for the moral to the story, but I don’t even need to say it this time. Do I?  Do I need to say here on the air, “Pride goeth before a fall”?  It’s been pointed out that if Haman hadn’t been so eager to destroy his enemy Mordecai, he wouldn’t have been the first person in the courtyard that morning.  If he hadn’t been so proud, he wouldn’t have assumed that he himself was the man who was about to get the limo ride through the city.

And of course, we can’t help but grin over the fact that just before this, Haman had said to the king: “There’s a certain group of people out there I want to destroy” . . . but he never says who.  Now the king says back to him, “There’s a certain guy I’d like to honor,” and he doesn’t say who either!  We reap what we sow, or, as they say now, what goes around certainly does come around — and with a vengeance sometimes, doesn’t it?

The Bible tells us that when the parade was over, Haman rushed home, “covering his head in mourning and shame.”  This has been the nightmare of all nightmares.  There was nothing very ha-ha funny about this sitcom as far as he was concerned.  And it didn’t help when his political advisors and even his own wife said this to him:

“Since Mordecai, before whom your downfall has started, is of Jewish origin, you cannot stand against him — you will surely come to ruin!”  “Thou shalt not prevail against him, but shalt surely fall before him” is how it says it in the King James.

There’s still one more banquet to go to, but guess who’s suddenly lost his appetite?