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PILGRIM’S PROBLEMS #5
THE CAUSES AND CURES OF LONELINESS
It’s the fiercest hunger of the human heart—to love and to be loved. Erich Fromm once said, “The deepest need of man is the need to overcome his separateness, to leave the prison of his aloneness.” It is estimated that one in four people listening to this broadcast feels lonely.
For help in coping with loneliness, let’s consider the words of a very lonely apostle. Paul is staring at the checkered flag in life. The race is almost over. In prison, I can imagine he felt very lonely. So in the flickering candlelight of that dank dungeon he penned the immortal words preserved in 2 Timothy 4. Here the apostle identifies the causes and the cures of loneliness. First let’s consider the causes; then we’ll look at the cures.
First, we see that loneliness is often caused by transitions in life. Listen to Paul’s reference in second Timothy 4:4 to the transition before him:
For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that day--and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.
Paul is facing the ultimate transition between life and death. But really, our lives are a steady stream of transitions. During the last five years approximately half of all Americans moved. Needless to say, these transitions tear at the fabric of friendships, resulting in a reluctance to develop new and intimate relationships.
As we read on in 2nd Timothy 4, we uncover another cause of loneliness and that is separation. Listen to Paul’s instructions to Timothy in verses 8 and 9: “Do your best to come to me quickly, for Demas, because he loved this world, has deserted me and has gone to Thessalonica. Crescens has gone to Galatia, and Titus to Dalmatia. Demas was a coworker of Paul’s who is mentioned in Colossians and Philemon. Some scholars suggest that Crescens was one of the seventy disciples commissioned by Christ. Titus was another close friend to Paul. In fact Paul may have led this Gentile believer to Christ. Paul has been separated from all of his close friends except for Luke, who is mentioned in the next verse (verse 11): “Only Luke is with me. Get Mark and bring him with you, because he is helpful to me in my ministry.” Paul was so lonely he called for the companionship of Mark, who you may recall, had deserted Paul in Pamphylia. When Barnabas wanted to take him on another missionary venture, Paul said, “No, he has already flaked on us once.” But now, Paul is so lonely he even calls for the companionship of Mark.
If you’ve ever been separated from someone you love, you know it’s no fun. Obviously it can cause loneliness.
Let’s note one final cause of loneliness, then we’ll move on to the cures. Based on Paul’s experience, we learn that loneliness surfaces during periods of opposition. Paul had plenty of it. He writes,
Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he had done. You too should be on your guard against him, because he strongly opposed our message. At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them
(2 Timothy 4:14, 15).
Paul had opposition from Alexander the metal worker. Furthermore, when Paul was put on trial, nobody came to his defense.
Opposition triggers loneliness like nothing else. Occasionally I’ll receive a phone call or a letter of opposition from someone. I have to admit it is tough sometimes not to slip into feelings of despair and loneliness. I do find comfort, though, in what author and preacher, R. C. Sproul, does when he receives disparaging letters about his sermons and books. He figures that people stay up nights thinking up ways to devastate him. So he asked a friend in public ministry, “Do you ever get hate mail?”
“’I get it all the time,’ his friend replied.
“Well, how do you handle it?”
“I write them back and say, `Dear Mr. So and So, I want to warn you about something dreadful. Some lunatic is sending me outrageous letters and signing your name to them.’”
Not a bad way to handle opposition, huh? It’s important to do something in order to cope with the loneliness that comes with opposition.
Okay, now let’s read on in Paul’s final letter for the cures of loneliness.
The first suggestion in tackling loneliness is to recognize your needs. In verse 13 Paul writes, “When you come, bring the cloak that I left with Carpus at Troas, and my scrolls, especially the parchments.”
If any one had a right to participate in a pity party, it would be Paul, right? He could have said, “God, here I've preached my heart out for you and this is what I get--a damp, rat-infested prison to sit in until they chop my head off.”
Paul does not do that. Instead, he was attentive to his physical needs. “Bring my coat” he says. Why? Because he was cold, he was addressing a physical need. No doubt, loneliness is often exacerbated by our own neglect to care for our physical needs. It’s easy to numb the pain with junk food, late night television, or busyness. All the while the body becomes more and more fatigued. This fuels loneliness.
Also notice that Paul does not neglect his mental conditioning either. He asks for scrolls, that is, papyrus rolls--so that he could read and keep mentally sharp. Paul also cares for his spiritual needs. He requests the parchments, that is, rolls made of animal skin. Scholars suggest that Paul was asking for his copy of the Old Testament Scriptures and early copies of the sayings of Christ. His quest for spiritual truth continued until the day he died.
So if you’re lonely, take a lesson from Paul and ask yourself some practical questions. Am I caring for my physical needs? Am I stimulating my mind with good books? Am I spending time in the Word? Recognizing your physical, mental and spiritual needs are important factors in slaying the demon of loneliness.
The second suggestion for addressing loneliness is to minimize your problems. Notice how Paul downplays his problems in verse 14: “Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm.” Paul does not stew on this injustice. Instead, he leaves retribution in the hands of God. He says, “The Lord will repay him for what he has done. . .. At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them” (2 Timothy 4:14, 16). Notice again how he downplays the fact that his friends abandoned him in his time of need.
To stew in your injustice, is to fertilize feelings of loneliness. When you’ve been done wrong, let it go. Forgetfulness can be a gift from God.
This brings to mind the story of an absent-minded professor who was having breakfast with his family. His wife said to him, "Now, remember. This is the day we move. When you come home, go to the new house and not this one." All day he knew there was something he was supposed to remember, but he couldn't recall what it was. He went home after class, and the house was empty.
“Oh yes, we moved. I wonder where we moved to.”
He saw some children playing in the yard. He said to a little boy, “Do you know the people who used to live here?”
The boy said, “Yes, sir.”
“Do you know where they moved?”
The little boy sighed. “Mother said you would forget.”
Now sometimes (not always!), forgetting is a good thing. The alternative is remembering. The problem with remembering is that harboring ill-feelings over past injustices is an act of isolating yourself from community. Authentic community flourishes best in an environment of grace. To focus on times when you’ve been deprived of grace is an act of worshiping your problems rather than connecting with people.
The final suggestion that Paul offers for addressing loneliness is to emphasize God’s presence. In his extreme loneliness Paul could still proclaim, “But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength” (2 Timothy 4:17).
No matter how lonely you feel, you are never out of God’s embrace. John Ortberg uses the metaphor of the cave to describe loneliness. But even in the cave, he argues, God is there. “Finding ultimate refuge in God means you become so immersed in His presence, so convinced of His goodness, so devoted to His lordship that you find even the cave is a perfectly safe place to be because He is there with you.”
The Lord stands by your side and He will give you strength. He knows all about loneliness. Picture Him in the moonlit garden. Clutching the dew-kissed grass, he pours his heart out in anguish. The pressure is so intense that his capillaries crush against his sweat glands causing his perspiration to glow with a crimson tinge. His blood and tears and sweat glisten in the silver shadows of the garden.
He staggers to his three closest companions. They snooze as the Son of God asks them, “Could you not have stayed awake for one hour?” From the garden Jesus staggers to the cross.
The cross is the ultimate symbol of loneliness. It is there that Jesus cries out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Mark 15:34).
Jesus understands your loneliness. He has been there. So don’t despair. As long as He lives, He will make sure that you are never alone.
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