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PILGRIM’S PROBLEMS #4
GOOD AND MAD
We live in an age of rage. The damage caused by mismanaged anger in our society is staggering. According to FBI statistics, “In America today, there is one violent crime every 24 seconds. There is . . . a murder every 23 minutes. Among young men, murder is the number two cause of death; among young women, it’s the number one cause of death.”
According to Prism magazine, “Domestic violence was the number one cause of emergency room visits by women. During the Vietnam War, more women were murdered at home, than men slain on the battlefield.”
Of course, it’s not just violence. Mismanaged anger plays a role in virtually every divorce. And even in marriages where there may not be a legal separation, there can be an emotional distance caused by mismanaged anger. Tragically, often children grow up and repeat the same pattern.
These days, anger is as prevalent as fireworks on the Fourth of July. Even if we wanted to, we couldn’t live in a world devoid of anger. The emotion of anger is part of what it means to be human.
The children’s storybook, Touching Spirit Bear, helps to illustrate. In the story, a wise Indian teacher uses a stick and likens the left end to anger and the right end to happiness. He tells his student to break off the left end of the stick to get rid of his anger. The problem, of course, is that even after you break off the left end, there is still a left end left. You can’t get rid of anger. That is not the goal. The goal is to manage anger wisely and well.
Do you have an anger management plan? Maybe you never thought of it, but it’s good to have an emergency strategy in mind before your blood pressure starts to rise. Here’s a biblically-based four-step strategy I urge you to give a try.
First, freeze! When angry, take a lesson from technology; always count down before blasting off. Before you react, freeze. Recite Proverbs 14:17: “A quick-tempered man does foolish things, and a crafty man is hated.”
This first step is perhaps the most difficult because anger is, by definition, physiological arousal. As the arousal increases, people suffer from what some psychologists call “cognitive incapacitation.” Simply put, they can’t think straight.
Ralph Milton knows about cognitive incapacitation. He sheepishly remembers the morning he was awakened at 5 A.M. by a hammering sound on his roof. Still in his pajamas, Ralph went into the back yard to investigate. He found a woodpecker on the TV antenna, “pounding its little brains out on the metal pole.” Angry that the little creature had ruined his sleep, Ralph picked up a rock and threw it. The rock (which was barely in the same zip code as the bird) sailed over the house, shattering the windshield of his car. In utter disgust, Ralph took a vicious kick at a rock fence, only to remember—too late—that his freshly broken foot was unprotected by a shoe. Uncontrolled anger, as Ralph learned, can result in foolish actions. Robert Ingersoll put it this way: “Anger blows out the lamp of the mind.”
A football player from the University of Kansas could testify of the truth in this proverb. This 6’3”, 270 pound tackle got so incensed at Taco Bell when they shorted him a Chalupa that he got out of his car and attempted to crawl through the 14” by 46” drive-thru window. To no one’s surprise, he got stuck. The frightened manager and employees locked themselves in an office and dialed 911. When the police arrived, they laughed hysterically as they watched the legs and back end of the football player kicking in midair. Police Sergeant George Wheeler said, “When you take a big guy and put him through a small space, something’s got to give.”
Take this verse to the bank: “A quick tempered man does foolish things.” Okay, on to the second step. In a word: Think! Champions at anger management live by Proverbs 13:16: “A wise man thinks ahead; a fool doesn't and even brags about it!”
Next time someone steams your beans you’re going to freeze and buy some time. With that time you’re going to think about the most mature way to deal with the situation.
There’s a story flying around the Internet of a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They held no secrets from each other . . . except for one. The woman kept a shoebox in the top of her closet that she warned her husband never to open. In all their years of marriage, he rarely thought about the box. But one day, the woman got quite sick and the prognosis for recovery was slim. In trying to sort out their affairs, the old man retrieved that shoe box at his wife’s request. The time had come to disclose its contents.
He lifted the lid to discover two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked for an explanation.
“When we were engaged,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to stop and think before blowing up when I got angry. She told me that if I ever got mad at you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily before saying anything.”
The man was moved to tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. Apparently she had only been angry with him two times in all their years together. “Honey,” he beamed, "that explains the doilies, but where did all this money come from?"
“Oh,” she said, “that's the money I made from selling the doilies.”
Next time you feel angry, get out the needles and make a doily. Use the time to think through the consequences of your response.
Let’s move on to the third command in our anger management strategy. This step reminds us to listen.
The next time you’re ticked, clean out your ears. James 1:19-20 says, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”
Notice the three elements: listening, speaking, and getting angry. Generally, the angrier you are the more you want to talk and the less you care to listen. Here’s the way it works according to the Bible: If you are quick to listen and slow to speak, you will be slow to anger. The reverse is also true. If you are quick to jump in, and you’re not good at listening, you’ll be quick to get angry. So you must cultivate the habit of listening.
Have you ever had a conversation with somebody who doesn’t listen and loves to finish your sentences? One time George Will was in a debate with William Buckley and Buckley kept cutting him off. Finally George Will quipped, “Mr. Buckley, I am the world’s foremost expert at how I want to finish my sentences.”
The Bible teaches that “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue” (Proverbs 17:28).
All right, next time you’re inclined to get mad, first you’re going to freeze. Then you’ll think. Next, try to listen. Finally, it’s time to act. Everything to this point is immaterial unless you take the final step and act appropriately. Listen to Jesus describe this final step of action.
“But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell” (Matthew 5:22).
Jesus reserved some of His harshest words for those who mismanage anger. Then He made a radical statement that no doubt triggered some murmuring in the crowd. Jesus said, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24).
To appreciate the shocking nature of this statement, you have to understand the strict protocol that surrounded temple behavior in ancient days. In no way was it acceptable to just leave the temple while making a sacrifice.
Even in our day we have generally accepted rules of etiquette for church. The rules are mostly unwritten, but we all know them. For example, you should show up on time; turn off your cell phone; don’t snore; don’t bring a TV; don’t leave early, and so on. This is common courtesy stuff in church.
Now take the generally accepted rules of etiquette for church in our day and multiply them many times over, and you get a sense for the obsession that religious leaders had in Jesus’ day for acceptable behavior in the synagogue. You didn’t go to the synagogue late. You didn’t disturb people sitting around you in the synagogue—ever! And you never left early. The rules were rigid.
In the midst of such rigidity, Jesus said there is one circumstance where you should shatter the generally accepted church etiquette and just leave. The circumstance? When there is unresolved anger. If there is a chasm of anger between you and a sister or brother, you must act. It’s that important.
Maybe you need to take this final step. You have resentment that has been boiling for weeks or months toward a family member or a colleague and it’s destroying you. Will you have the courage to act? Jesus would say to you, “Don’t go to church this weekend until you have taken this final step of action.” Ignore the counsel of Christ on this one and your soul is at peril. As the Chinese Proverb puts it, “So long as a man is angry, he cannot be in the right.”
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