Copyright © 2006 by The Voice of Prophecy

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JESUS' TOP TEN WORDS OF ADVICE #2

HOW TO DISARM DIFFICULT PEOPLE

When a divorce court ordered Joseph to divide all his property equally with his ex-wife he complied---sort of. The man grabbed a chain saw and cut their tri-level ranch house precisely in half.

When Judy got tired of her professor boyfriend working late on his pet project, she lit a match. She burned up the stack of folders on his desk—consuming a decade of effort on a new dictionary.

“Difficult people.” We’re going to run into them sometimes. The truth is, difficult people out there are often a reflection of some difficulty inside us. They mirror something we don’t want to see. Have you ever caught yourself saying something like:
I just hate negative people!

You’re always, always exaggerating!

Yes, other people's problems are so easy to pick out. Our own bad habits get pretty blurry. We may even find ourselves thinking in bumper sticker terms: If you don’t like my driving, get off the sidewalk.

In a world of difficult people, the New Testament offers us a rather startling promise. It’s a promise tucked away in its many statements about peace. The New Testament talks about peace a lot. That's why this registers as number nine on its Top Ten words of advice.

In Romans we’re asked to “live in harmony.” We're asked to “make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification.” In Hebrews we’re called to “live in peace with all men.”

Corinthians offers the hope that we “may be perfectly united in mind and thought.” And Jesus asked the Father that His followers “may be one, just as you are in me and I am in you.”

We can’t avoid all conflicts, of course. We can’t make everyone like us. But from our end, we can live at peace with everyone. That’s the great promise implied in these admonitions. Difficult people don’t have to dominate our lives.

How do we escape them? How do we escape our own difficulties that keep us tangled up with difficult people?
Here's the New Testament's resource for conflict resolution; here's its way of disarming difficult people. It’s called the peace of Christ. This is actually a powerful weapon that we just don’t often wield in a practical way.

Jesus told his disciples: “In me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” Christ’s peace is something that overcomes the hassles of a world full of difficult people. It’s greater than anything the world can give; it transcends human understanding. It can “rule in our hearts,” acting as an arbiter within, resolving disputes. In other words, it’s the one thing that can actually loosen the grip of a pit bull.

Here’s why. Christ’s peace is based on reconciliation. It's based on His reconciling the whole world to Himself when He spread out his arms on the cross. The sacrifice of Jesus welcomes people into grace. And it's an incredibly wide welcome. Humanity gets redefined. Artificial distinctions disappear. We are all one people from the perspective of Calvary.

Colossians tells us that Christ’s blood makes peace. Ephesians asserts that the cross reconciles groups that have nurtured hostility for generations. And Corinthians affirms that, being compelled by the love of Christ, we are given a ministry of reconciliation, “regarding no one from a worldly point of view.” (2 Corinthians 5:16, NIV).

What is the point of view that the cross inspires? It's this: look at every human being in terms of their need. Human beings need forgiveness. Human beings need grace. We all have to lay our mistakes, the things we cringe about, at the place where Jesus poured out his life.

Seeing people in terms of their needs. That’s the secret friend. That's the secret to disarming Difficult People. It’s a life-changing promise.

See please:

Spot the pain under the angry outburst.

Find the lonely soul within the rude remarks.

Uncover the deep longing beneath the cutting wit.

See the panic under the iron grip.

This is a powerful perspective that can disarm the difficult people in our lives. Something amazing happens when we look through them to their needs.

James was a sophomore at Western Illinois University when he got to know five guys in a Bible study group. It was the first time he'd experienced anything like that on campus. In the study group he was able to open up in ways he hadn’t before. He was really making friends.

But one night a six-foot-five football player burst into the quiet gathering. He extended his hand in all directions, and bellowed out his name. Big Wally, James discovered, was the latest addition to the group. Well this new guy just seemed to ruin the atmosphere. James was sure their meetings would never be the same.

During the weeks that followed, Wally's opinions boomed across the room--and James listened resentfully. He thought their personalities poles apart. Everything the guy said seemed to come straight out of the air-head school of biblical interpretation. Why, oh why, did Big Wally have to ruin everything?

Well during one session, the group leader introduced a new way to open their sharing time. He asked the guys to pray silently for each group member. They were to think about their needs and ask for God’s assistance in their lives. So, James obediently prayed for the person on his right. He prayed for the person on his left. And then he came to Big Wally, sitting across the room. Bowing his head, James tried to pray about the biology test the guy was facing, and the girlfriend who had dumped him.

Much to James' surprise, that simple act of blessing jolted him awake. He just couldn’t think of Wally in quite the same way. Wally required his help, and James needed Wally's.

James began to see things he admired about the guy. The more James prayed with the group, the more he came to like Wally. And finally one night he found himself jumping up and down on a sofa with the big football player. The two were wildly celebrating an answer to prayer. Big Wally's raw enthusiasm had become infectious rather than offensive.

Friends, praying about someone else’s needs can break an otherwise open-and-shut case of animosity. An enemy can’t have needs any more than a suspect can have alibis. As soon as needs appear, the label disappears.

Look around you. Why is Joe so obnoxious when he tries to get co-workers over to his “fabulous condo?” Because he desperately needs friends; he has no one close to give him feedback and help him develop social skills.

Why is Sally so annoying when all she wants is for you to baby sit her kids? Because she’s desperately looking for someone to take care of her like her parents never did.

Why does Mike drive everyone nuts complaining about the betrayals of women? Because it’s the only way he can release the anger that’s about to consume him.

All of us are trying to have our needs met in some way. So many long, long battles would fade if we just acknowledged that. We’re all weak, sinful human beings in need of grace. So, instead of trying so hard to coddle our resentments, instead of rehearsing our accusations over and over, we can make every effort to live at peace. We’re going to be expending emotional energy anyway; we might as well invest it in something that counts.

Now let me say one thing here. Acknowledging that people have needs doesn’t mean we have to rescue them. Part of the problem with difficult people is that they want to make us responsible for their misery. Their conflicts are based on the premise: “You should be meeting my needs and you’re not doing it.” Sometimes we fall for that line and get stuck in a relationship with a difficult person.

To disentangle, it helps to understand that everyone has to make his own peace—by taking his needs to Christ. Christ's peace is the ultimate solution. Nothing else can substitute for that. When Paul was planning a visit to a church in Corinth torn by scandals and lawsuits, he vowed “to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.” (1 Corinthians 2:2, NIV)

Instead of trying to rescue difficult people, we can point them to the place where we all need to go.

Instead of being flabbergasted by failures, be amazed by grace.
Instead of blaming, confess.
Instead of controlling, be captured.
Instead of pointing accusations, lift up empty hands.
Leave that chip on your shoulder with the one who shouldered His own cross. We all need to follow him. It’s only by seeking to meet our own needs in the peace of Christ that we can help meet each other’s needs.
Yes, all of us are disarmed when we come to the right place for peace. All of us come away empty-handed and open-hearted.